Self-worth versus skills: a lifesaving distinction for overachievers
As
a recovering overachiever, there are a few key lessons I’ve had to learn. One
of them is not to confuse my identity (let alone my deeper sense of who I am)
with my achievements.
This
goes for any external object or symbol: they are not you. You are you.
Enter
the distinction between self-worth and skills.
Watch
the video or read on.
Self-worth
is a natural state. It’s the sense of joy at being alive. You don’t have to be
doing anything. You could simply be sitting still and resting in the rhythm of
your breath (have I mentioned how awesome meditation is?...)
In
fact you’re more likely to experience this state of innate self-worth when are
still and calm. You might also feel it when you’re in nature or contemplating
something vast like the cosmos and experience a sense of connection. This is
because of the wider perspective you’re afforded which puts the breaks on your
habitual inner-chatter and may even send your inner-critic on holiday for a
while, giving you a sense of clarity and inspiration.
You can never get enough of what you
don’t really need.
You
can’t prove your self-worth. Any attempt to do so will put you on an endless, wild
goose chase that will leave you feeling exhausted, empty and confused. The
pursuit would be doomed because it started on a false assumption.
This
is where highly intelligent, high functioning people functioning in a knowledge
economy (i.e. that values expertise) can get locked into a success trap. Your wild
goose chase is useful to other people and organisations who benefit from your
efforts, especially if they’re on their own wild goose chase. It’s reassuring
to run in packs even if we have no idea where we’re going or why we’re going
there.
The
chase may involve qualifications, accolades, prizes, reports, papers, meetings,
titles, etc. These are all great as long as they’re not used to prove your
self-worth. In fact, it’s best to separate them entirely.
Harvard
philosophy professor, Michael Sandel, talks about the pitfalls of meritocracy.
It’s no merit of mine that I happen to be born into an era that values intellectual
ability. Doing well at school and being paid for my brains is a function of the
times we live in, not of something of universal merit within me…
Which
brings us to skills. These are the tangible and less tangible abilities that we
usually identify with learning i.e. they can be taught and learned. Learning
and practising your skills can make you mentally and physically tired which
requires stamina when you’re trying to uplevel them (as I was reminded recently
on a trip to Russia for fencing training); whereas being in and enjoying your
natural sense of self-worth does not.
To
live a healthy life, we need to be unfolding constantly into more refined,
clearer and brighter versions of ourselves.
You
are unique and if you stay hidden behind a veneer of acceptability, the world
will be deprived of what you have to offer. This unique form can be deployed
skillfully through learning the right skills.
A
key skill is better communication in all its forms. It allows us to share our
unique perspective and experience in life in a way that hopefully enriches that
of others.
Acquiring skills can be fun and facilitate
this sharing of your experience and contribution to the world. Achievements and
accolades may come along the way but as a byproduct of the activity of
unfolding your unique potential and sharing of your energy.
In
contrast to proving your self-worth, acquiring skills is an emergent property
of your grounding in the joy of self-expression. You’re not trying to prove
anything. The causal direction is reversed if not absent altogether. Everything
just is.
The
key message:
Transform
work into play. Learn skills that help you unfold your highest potential joyfully
and never question your innate self-worth as a human being. If you find that
you’re operating consistently from a sense of misplaced obligation, time to check
in and see if you’re trying to prove
yourself causing misery to you and those around you rather than express yourself in a way that benefits
the happiness of all including yourself.
Have
a great week,
Amina
Upcoming
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of June at 7pm: The Leaders Circle: Transformational Communication. Register
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returning to work after parent leave).
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