Wise Wednesdays

 We teach others how to treat us—sometimes without realising it. Take Joe the horse in the photo below: he’s been trained to expect treats from pockets. The moment I approached, he started crossing boundaries—nudging and searching for more—which, in this context, was quite amusing. But in human relationships, boundary-crossing isn’t so funny. In our competitive, individualistic culture, many interactions—whether with a partner, sibling, or colleague—are shaped by subtle comparison or competition, making trust harder to cultivate. No matter how ‘nice’ you are, they’ll never trust you 100%—unless you start showing up differently and shift the dynamic. Instead of falling into the trap of being ‘nice’ or overly compliant to keep the peace, try showing up unmasked .  Here’s how: Don’t hide your motivations.  If you’re craving connection or reassurance, ask for it directly. Don’t overshare your problems and then cover it up with humour or pretend you have everything under contr...

Are you feeling the pressure to perform right now? It’s easy to confuse pressure with the need to move faster. But what if pressure was actually a call to deepen your integrity? [Read on or watch the video] Integrity means aligning your actions with your intentions. Yet, it’s easy to live on a treadmill to nowhere, wondering why our real dreams - remain out of reach. You don’t have to sacrifice your dreams. But you might need to slow down to speed up because running faster on the wrong path won’t help. Pausing to realign your actions with your long term intentions will.   Here are three principles of integrity I’ve learned over the past decade to help play the long game while taking care of daily business: [Presence] Meditate an hour a day. If you don’t have time, meditate two hours a day (even 5 minutes counts). Be present in your life. [Power] There’s no such thing as time management—only choice management. Master your focus and energy to cultivate your power of agency (not just...

 There’s a difference between having an idea and having a viable vision for your career.While I’ve always pursued work I’m passionate about, I also made sure I was paid fairly—whether through a research grant, having a role created for me, negotiating “non-negotiable” contract terms that set a new precedent, or a simple business structure that has sustained me from year 1. I also insisted on having autonomy and respect to be able to do my best work.If you don’t know how to be remunerated appropriately for your work either in an organisation or business, you don’t have a dream; you have a recipe for burnout. Without having your needs met, you don’t have a career; you have a modern version of indentured servitude! Of course, life happens and circumstances change which means things can fluctuate and you have to stay cool and evolve. But if you want to create a liberated career and life that transcends exhausting societal norms, it’s time to deepen your skills of conscious influence an...

As responsibilities grow, so can the pressure to  do more.  But here's a leadership paradox: stepping into higher leadership often means  doing different (and possibly less), not more. I had a coaching session this morning with a brilliant client navigating the pressures of upward momentum and executive leadership. We explored how to avoid  Responsibility Inflation —the trap of taking on too much—and continue to thrive as a leader with a big vision. But why does Responsibility Inflation happen in the first place and what can you do about it?  (You know I won't let anyone fall into a success trap when they could have all of impact, fulfilment and wellbeing, right? :) [Read on or watch the video.] Responsibility Inflation  is more likely to affect you if: You’re a high achiever : The paradox of competence—the more you can do, the more comes your way. You’re a woman or a minority : You grew up knowing you had to work harder for the same level of recognition. Y...

 Judging by recent election results, it might seem like success benefits from narcissistic or "dark triad" traits (narcissism, machiavellianism, sociopathy i.e. manipulation, lying, and low capacity for empathy or guilt). In the corporate world, the higher up you go in the echelons of leadership, the more prevalent these traits become. About 3-4% of corporate executives score high on measures of psychopathy—compared to about 1% in the general population, according to some studies. In highly competitive environments, these traits help with risk taking and gaining recognition (though not necessarily with building meaningful, long term relationships.) For example, James Brown, one of the most influential performing artists in modern music was also known as “the hardest-working man in showbiz” and displayed narcissistic and abusive tendencies. However, he was able to overcome deprivation, childhood trauma, and racism to become extremely successful. So does that mean you need to b...

 I woke up this morning thinking of the plague. A documentary I’d recently watched had left an impression, and it came back to me today—lingering after a coaching session with a wonderful client who was exploring ways the global health community might respond to the election results in the U.S. As we worked through insights, he began to feel clarity again, and afterwards my mind drifted back to life in that distant time. Let me share a story from those troubled times—one that may offer perspective, and perhaps even a sense of ease, on what you may be facing right now. The spread of the Black Death from Central Asia to East Asia and Europe from 1346 to 1351. One man in particular is credited with accelerating the spread of the plague: a descendant of Genghis Khan named Jani Beg. He murdered his own brother to seize power, and pushed the Mongol empire westward. In 1343, he set his sights on Caffa, a Genoese colony (now part of disputed territory between Russia and Ukraine). But anoth...

 The boss who gives you too much to handle? The colleague who talks over you? The schedule that doesn’t work for you anymore? What else? Social media manipulation? Unjust politics? Conflict escalation? Every day we’re exposed to things we may not want, and feel we’re forced to consent to.  Yet, we often have some degree of free choice that we don’t fully embrace. Why? Because we’re afraid, tired, and anxious. But you can take it one step at a time. Right now: What are you tolerating in your career in order to meet other people’s expectations? What are you consenting to inappropriately in your relationships to avoid disappointing someone? What’s an uncomfortable conversation it’s time to have about what you truly need and want? What’s a simple change you can make to your diary to focus on what matters most to you? Write one thing down and take action today. Let me know how it changes your quality of life. Have a great week, Amina P.S. There's still time to join next week's Lead...

  In Victorian times, it was fashionable to build ornate structures in gardens called follies . These architectural features served no real purpose other than to enhance the landscape or impress guests. While they looked good, they often required significant resources to build and maintain, all without offering any practical benefit. [Photo: A medieval ruin? An ancient civilisation remnant? No! It's a Victorian Folly made of concrete faux-stone. Sydenham Hill Wood, London.] Today, we might not build follies, but we often do something similar with our personal boundaries—compromising on them to “look good”, please others, or assuage guilt and anxiety about not being perfect. Saying yes when you really want to say no. Agreeing to things you don’t have the energy for. Taking on too much, even when you're already exhausted. Like follies, compromising your boundaries might bring a temporary glow or even a dopamine hit. But over time, it drains your energy and can lead to super...

 One of the first  Wise Wednesdays  in 2016 was called  The High Achiever’s Secret Dream . It explored the hidden drives behind achievement a few months after a big career leap. This is an update sharing insights from the years that followed... The Achiever’s Path Over the past decade, working with ambitious yet contemplative High Achievers and changemakers, I’ve noticed three approaches to achievement: Survival-Driven Achievement : Conventional success—pursued at any cost, prioritising societal expectations like wealth, status, and career. Escape-Driven Achievement : Unconventional success—rejecting societal norms to seek peace in alternative communities or monasteries. Vision-Based Achievement : Post-success—where achievement is a natural byproduct of alignment with an inner vision, detached from external validation, leading to fulfilment. As people grow, they often transition from conventional success to post-success, with a phase of escape in between. This s...

 My coach once gave a challenge to practise saying: I’m a gracious ‘no’. It was inspired by the words of Warren Buffett: The difference between successful people and really successful people is that they say ‘no’ to almost everything. In the past few years, awareness of boundaries and the power of saying ‘no’ appears to have grown. No to extra working hours, another project, or coming into the office… But what do you do about more subtle boundary breaches that are hard to put into words? How do you handle the unspoken power dynamics in your relationships? Perhaps you’re sitting at the dinner table with relatives or friends and a subtle anger surfaces after a joke. Perhaps you’re in a work meeting and a colleague starts talking about your project, leaving you feeling uneasy. Perhaps scrolling through entertaining social media has you feeling inexplicably irritable or sad. But you’re unsure why. Micro-boundary breaches In January 2021, I started feeling resentful and irritable about ...

The Success Trap is when your past success gets in the way of your future success. The Survival Trap is quite similar. What do I mean? The Survival Trap The Survival Trap is when your past survival strategies hinder your ability to thrive. In the modern world, this can look like having many markers of conventional success but still feeling unfulfilled inside.   As the most famous Transformational Coach in the world puts it: “Success without fulfilment is the ultimate failure.” Harsh but true, right? Understanding Survivor's Guilt During my recent visit to Algeria, I realised that Survivor’s Guilt plays a part in this issue. Many of the people I’ve worked with have had to overcome significant challenges to achieve their goals, such as: Historical odds: Overcoming war, colonialism, famine, or disasters. Socio-economic odds: Navigating wealth and education inequalities. Cultural odds: Adapting to new cultures after displacement or migration. Familial odds: Growing up quickly to suppor...